This was what you said when I tucked you into bed last night. I was startled because I did not see that coming. As though I did not hear it, you repeated – “daddy said my jie jie is an angel”.
You are right, your jie jie is an angel. Although we have somewhat moved on from the loss of your big sister, nobody talks about it because it is just a very sensitive topic to us. I remember the shock, rage and I felt. I was overwhelmed with emotions and was so angry at God. I find myself questioning my faith and the things I believed in. I had a lot of ifs in my mind shortly after our loss. If she had been delivered based on EDD, her birthday would have been 19th July, which I have never forgotten. If she only knew how much we loved her. If only she knew mummy had secretly named her Emma.
And so they said, everything eventually comes to an end. Like there will be an end to the excitement you felt about a particular holiday or that happiness you felt when you were a kid with the latest toy etc. But the sadness I feel towards your big sister, there is no end. Even though I feel like I can talk about it now, I still feel sad when I think about it. Every single night for the past 4 years, I say a little prayer for her and ask her to watch over us in Heaven. I will ask God to look after her for us until we see her again. That being said, I don’t think I stopped believing in God. It’s just like we had a really really huge fight and are making up gradually.
Then you came along. I strongly believe that He gave you to us to make amends. You were an easy to handle baby and you have brought us so much joy since your arrival. Always bear in mind that mummy and daddy love you more than our own lives no matter what. The only wish we have for you is to grow up as a healthy, happy, respectful and kind person. Everything else is secondary. I’m sure jie jie will to watch over us from above.